i can't make you love me (Can you hold me?)
by AlldevilsAngels
Summary: Loving you would be as easy as taking a breath...But to give you up, that's a dance with death. So now it's time for this to end...After all, a friend is just a friend. " ― R.S. Grey, The Duet


**I Can't Make You Love Me (But Can You Hold Me?)**

 **Summary:** _Loving you would be as easy as taking a breath..._ _But to give you up, that's a dance with death._ _So now it's time for this to end..._ _After all, a friend is just a friend._ " ― R.S. Grey, The Duet

 _"Because you can never go from going out to being friends, just like that. It's a lie. It's just something that people say they'll do to take the permanence out of a breakup. And someone always takes it to mean more than it does, and then is hurt even more when, inevitably, said 'friendly' relationship is still a major step down from the previous relationship, and it's like breaking up all over again. But messier."_  
― Sarah Dessen, This Lullaby

* * *

She stares at the man in front of her, dumbstruck.

"What?" she says, and Jacob looks at her, his eyes cold.

"I'm moving out," he repeats, picking up his suitcase, "I'll have someone come get the rest of my stuff by the end of the week,"

Bella says nothing, just looks down at her feet.

She should have seen this coming.

 _(What did she think was going to happen after she said what she said)_

* * *

 _"I truly loved you, but now I'm walking away"_  
― Jonny Lang

* * *

"You need to be more careful about the men you date," Jacob says, brushing her hair out of her face.

"I don't know why I keep picking men who leave me," Bella sobs, and Jacob smiles sadly.

"There are good men in the world, honey," he says, placing his hand on her shoulder, "You just need to open your eyes and see what's in front of you,"

That's the first time she ever really looks at him.

* * *

 _"People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other's personalities. Who wouldn't? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that's not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner's faults honestly and say, 'I can work around that. I can make something out of it.'? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it's always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you."_  
― Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

* * *

She sees him through the glass window of the department store.

He's buying coat, and the sales girl is flirting with him.

He laughs, shaking his head, and then his eyes meet hers.

The smile falls.

They stare at each other for a long moment and she feels like there's a tear in her heart.

He turns away first and she walks away before she can look pathetic.

She has some pride after all.

* * *

 _"She'd missed the way he walked, the way he shoved his hands into his pockets when he was nervous, the way his dark hair fell into his mismatched eyes. The way a smile would flicker across his face before he committed to it, the way he looked at her like she was the only person in the world."_  
― Kate Lattey

* * *

"Are you sure?" Bella asks, nervously.

"I want this," Jacob says, cupping her cheek, "I love you, Bella,"

"I-"

"You don't have to say it back if you're not ready," Jacob says, "I don't need to hear the words. I already know how you feel about me,"

"And it's enough for you?" Bella asks, unsure.

"It's you, Bella," Jacob smiles, "It's more than enough. It's everything I've ever wanted,"

He kisses her, and Bella's heart races.

 _(It takes three months before she can say_ _ **I Love You**_ _)_

* * *

 _"As much as I enjoy romance, it's commitment that I need the most. I need to know a love I can depend on, a love that says, "I will be with you through it all. I love you. And I will love you even when you may not be all that lovable, for sometimes I'm not very lovable either. You can count on me - always."_  
― Steve Goodier

* * *

"Hey, it's Jake," the voicemail says, "Leave a message,"

"I-I just wanted to hear your voice," she says, "So no pressure."

She hesitates, staring at the picture on the wall, of them when they were teenagers and everything was so simple, feeling like a part of her is missing.

"Call me back," she says, hanging up.

 _(He doesn't call her back.)_

* * *

 _"And I think missing you hurts the most when something funny happens. Because in that one moment I find myself laughing, and within the next second I want to tell or text you what happened. And then it hits me again, every single time, that you aren't there anymore. That I lost that one thing that mattered to me."_  
― Elisabeth Van den Abeele

* * *

"What do you like about me?" Bella asks, and Jacob smiles, looking at her.

"I like everything about you," he says, and Bella huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Be serious," she orders, slapping his shoulder.

"I am," Jacob laughs, then looks at her face, "Okay, okay!"

He turns around fully to face her.

"I like your laugh. I like your smile. I like the color of your hair," Jacob's eyes soften, "I like the way you snore. I like the way you read. I like the way your eyes sparkle every time you read. But mostly I love your heart."

"That was so sweet!" Bella says, and Jacob scoots closer to her on the bed.

"What do you like about me?" Jacob asks.

"I like that you love me," Bella answers, and Jacob continues to smile.

Though his eyes go sad.

He looks at the space between them, and his hand reaches out to grab hers.

"I have to go to the bathroom," she says, quickly, getting up and leaving the room.

 _(Jacob's gone before she comes back)._

* * *

 _"There is a distinct, awful pain that comes with loving someone more than they love you."_

― Steve Maraboli

* * *

He sent Embry and Quil to pick up the rest of his things.

She tries to ask them about him, but they give vague answers until she gives up.

Quil starts to take their photo on the wall down and Bella tries to stop him.

"You can't have that," Bella says, and Quil shrugs.

"Jacob said get all his stuff," he says, then turns the photo around so she can read the back.

"Property of Jacob Black," Bella reads, before Quil drops it in the box and starts heading to the door.

"He's the one who left me!" Bella cries out, and Embry lets Quil out before him.

"Keep telling yourself that, Bella," Embry says, before closing the door behind them.

Bella stares at the blank space on her wall for a long time.

* * *

 _"I make it easier for people to leave by making them hate me a little."_  
― Cecelia Ahern, The Book of Tomorrow

* * *

She's at her desk, working on her English essay, when he comes in behind her and starts kissing her neck.

"Not now," she says, giggling, "I've got to get this done,"

"Okay," he replied, kissing her neck one more time before sitting on her bed.

"What are you doing here anyway?" Bella asks, and Jacob smiles.

"I wanted to see my favorite girl," he says, with a wink.

"You saw me yesterday," she says, and Jacob sighs.

"That feels like forever," Jacob mutters, "Didn't you miss me at all?"

Bella laughs.

"How can I miss you if you're always here?" she jokes.

Jacob goes quiet.

"I love you, Bella," he blurts, and Bella nods, absentmindedly.

"Love you too," she says, typing another paragraph.

Jacob presses a kiss to her cheek and leaves without saying goodbye.

 _(She later realizes that maybe she hurt his feelings)_

* * *

 _"_ _"The worst feeling you'll ever feel is sitting next to the person who means the world to you knowing that you mean nothing to them."_

-Unknown

* * *

"Hey, it's Jake," the voicemail says, "Leave a message,"

"Jacob, please," she hesitates, "Call me back,"

She hangs up, before any of the other things rolling around her head can tumble from her lips.

"I'm sorry," she says to no one.

He deserves more than a half-hearted apology on his voicemail.

* * *

 _"how anxiously I yearned for those I had forsaken."_  
― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Dream of a Ridiculous Man

* * *

"Move in with me," Jacob says, and Bella laughs.

"What?" she says, and Jacob smiles.

"Move in with me," he repeats.

"We've only been dating six months-" Bella starts, and Jacob takes her hands in his.

"Bella, I love you," he states, "I know that it's a little soon, but we've been friends for years and now we're dating…this doesn't have to be hard, you know?"

Something heavy builds in the pit of Bella's stomach and she tries to swallow the lump in her throat.

"You can't know if you really want this," she says, slowly.

"I know what I want, Bella," he says, seriously, "Do you?"

"W-what do you mean?" Bella stutters, surprised by the sudden question, and Jacob shakes his head.

"Nothing," he mutters, then kisses her on the cheek, "I'll give you some time to think about it,"

He leaves and Bella tries to make a list of all the reasons why it would be a bad idea to move in with Jacob.

 _(She calls him later that night and says_ _ **Yes**_ _)_

* * *

 _"I know you. Inside and out, Sara. I know you, and I've accepted it all. Every bit of the crazy. And I love you anyway remember?"_  
― Emme Rollins, Dear Rocksta

* * *

She hates how empty their apartment is without him.

She hates how empty her life is without him.

She goes through old photos and sees how happy they were in the beginning, but the more pages she turns the less she smiles.

The less she smiles, the less Jacob smiles and the further the distance is between them.

Until in the last picture, they're both just staring blankly at the camera with enough space between them for two people to stand between them.

She throws that picture in the fireplace.

* * *

 _"Falling in love is sudden, easy, and fun. It's like a child going down a playground slide. Falling out of love is slow, difficult, and painful. It's like watching a child die of cancer. ~ Ben Davis, Sr."_  
― Jayden Hunter, Undressed To The Nines: A Thriller Novel

* * *

"You're the longest relationship I've had," Bella comments, staring into the fire place, "It's kind of sad,"

"Why is that sad?" Jacob asks, softly, "I love you,"

Bella smiles at him over her shoulder, but doesn't say anything, before going back to looking into the fireplace.

"You're the only relationship that matters," Jacob says, looking out the window. "I just want-"

"Us to be happy?" Bella finishes for him, neither of them looking at each other.

Jacob nods, and Bella sighs.

"Jake, if you really want me to be happy," she pauses, glad he can't see her face, "Just…just love me. That's all I want,"

"Will you love me back?" Jacob asks, quietly.

The phone rings before she can say anything.

 _(She never did answer the question)_

* * *

 _To make one person the center of your world is bound to end in disaster. There are too many factors outside your control."_

― Alexandra Adornetto, Halo

* * *

She runs into Jacob in the middle of the street.

He doesn't say a word, just tries to brush past her, but she grabs his arm.

"Jake, stop!" she exclaims, and he stops. "Can we talk?"

"About what?" he asks, distantly, and Bella wonders when he grew so cold.

"I'm sorry, Jacob," Bella blurts, before she loses her courage, "I didn't mean to hurt you. I was just-"

"Unhappy," Jacob states, pulling his arm out of her grip, "You were unhappy with me, Bella,"

"I-"

"Just let me go," Jacob says, and Bella flinches.

"Do you love me, Jake?" Bella asks, "If you tell me you don't love me then I'll let you go. I'll stop bothering you."

Jacob stares at her for a long moment, his eyes searching hers, then he chuckles.

"I loved you, Bella," he states, "I loved you so much."

"Loved?"

"I can't do this anymore, Bella," Jacob says, firmly, "I need to grow. I need you to let me get on with my life,"

"Can't we be friends?" Bella questions, and Jacob shakes his head.

"You should find something that makes you happy," he says, "I won't hold you back anymore,"

He leaves her standing in the street and doesn't look back.

* * *

 _"If you love something, let it go..."_  
― Karen Halvorsen Schreck, While He Was Away

* * *

"What do you want from me, Bella?" Jacob asks, throwing up his arms.

"Nothing!" Bella shouts, frustrated.

"Well, ask for something then!" Jacob growls, and Bella flinches, "Just tell me what I'm doing wrong!"

"Nothing, okay," Bella says, reaching for him and then pulling her hand back before it could touch him.

"I love you," Jacob says, tiredly, "I love you so much,"

"I know," Bella says, balling her hands into fists at her side, "I know,"

"I just want to make you happy," he continues, sitting down, "That's all I've ever wanted,"

"I know," Bella repeats, and Jacob looks at her.

"Why aren't you happy?" he asks, and Bella's hands unfurl.

"I don't know," she admits and Jacob lays his head in his hands, shoulders shaking.

* * *

 _"However much you wanted someone to want you, there was nothing you could do to make it happen. Whatever you did for them, whatever you gave them, whatever you let them take, it could never be enough. Never enough to be sure. Never enough to satisfy them. Never enough to stop them walking away._

 _Never enough to make them love you."_  
― Manna Francis, First Against the Wall

* * *

She buys a dog.

It's fluffy, with black and brown fur, brown eyes, and it's overly affectionate.

She stares at it and thinks of Jacob.

Who he used to be…who she used to be.

She names it Jake and wonders it that is the opposite of letting go.

Jake at least makes her feel less. The dog follows her from room to room. She sleeps with it at the foot of her bed, it curls up beside her legs while she ears dinner and she slips it scraps off her plate.

"Jake, want to go for a walk?" she asks, and the dog's tail wags, eyes sparkling with happiness.

She tries to remember the last time Jacob had looked at her like that.

 _(She feels like it's been a long time)_

* * *

 _"I'm awful about your name. I still jump when I hear it. I still feel it rattling somewhere in my stomach. I think I'm jealous of anyone that gets to say it because it's not my right anymore. Years from now I'll be standing in a supermarket and someone will casually brush past me, your name falling from their mouth like confetti. I'll drop everything that I'm holding. My knees will wobble in the way they only did when I was with you. Years from now I'll still remember how your name tasted in my mouth and I'll have to start missing you all over again."_  
― Azra.T

* * *

"I know that things have been different lately," Jacob states, "But if you just give me a chance-"

"It's not you, Jake," Bella says, quickly, "I just feel like I'm suffocating,"

"Then let me help you breathe, honey," Jacob responds, coming up behind her and laying his hands on her shoulder, "Easy as breathing, right?"

"It's not easy, though," Bella says, a single tear sliding down her cheek, "You can't tell me that this is how it's supposed to be,"

"I don't care how it's supposed to be! I'll try harder. We can go to couples counselling…anything,"

"Just let me go," Bella says, and Jacob takes his hands off her shoulders.

"I-" Jacob starts, then shakes his head, "Alright,"

"I love you," Bella sobs, "I love you so much,"

"Then why are you leaving me?" he asks, and she cries harder, "Why can't I hold you, Bella? Why can't I touch you without you pulling away? Why am I the only one fighting for us?"

"There's nothing left to fight for, Jake," Bella says, "It's time we move forward."

"This isn't moving forward, Bella! This is running away!" Jacob shouts, punching the wall, "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I-"

"I lov-"

"Don't say it!" Bella begs, "Please stops saying it!"

"Why?"

"Because it hurts me!"

"My love hurts you?"

"It hurts me because it makes me feel obligated to say it back!" Bella cries and Jacob flinches as if she slapped him.

"Obligated?" he questions, and Bella wishes she could take it back, "My love makes you feel obligated?"

"I didn't mean-"

"Did you feel obligated to date me?"

"Jake-"

"Did you feel obligated to move in with me?"

"No! I-"

"Did you feel obligated to let me kiss you, to let me hold your hand, to-" Jacob's eyes widen, "Did you feel obligated to let me make love to you?"

"I-" Bella can feel herself losing ground in the conversation, "I wanted you to love me, Jake,"

"Fuck!" Jacob growls and hits the wall again, "Fuck!"

"Stop!" she shouts, grabbing his arm and he pulls away from her.

"Don't touch me!" he exclaims, and she flinches.

He storms out of the room, door slamming behind him.

* * *

 _Always question WHY you are doing something._  
 _Is it a free-will gift or an obligation?_  
 _That which is done out of a feeling of obligation_  
 _is unworkable as a substitute for a gift._  
 _Obligation creates a feeling of resentment on your part,_  
 _and evokes resentment rather than gratitude_  
 _on the part of the recipient._

\- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

* * *

She walks her dog.

She joins a book club.

She makes new friends.

She still misses Jacob but every time she thinks about calling him she remembers that she brought this on herself.

She deletes his number and tries to pretend that she doesn't have it memorized.

* * *

 _"The purest regret, no matter what, is thinking you didn't love enough."_  
― Criss Jami, Healology

* * *

He doesn't come home until after midnight.

When he finally does come home, he looks wrecked.

"Are you alright?" she asks, and he won't look at her, "Where were you?"

He scrubs his hand down his face.

"I'm fine" he says, and his voice cracks on the word.

"You're not fine," Bella says, softly, "I...I'm sorry about what I said before. I-"

"Don't apologize," Jacob states, rubbing roughly at his face again, "I'm glad you told me,"

"I don't want to break up," Bella says quickly, "I just want a break,"

"Okay," he agrees, easily, "If that's what you want,"

"What I want," Bella repeats, and she starts crying, hot tears rolling down over her cheeks, breath coming in ugly big sobs.

Because this isn't what she wants. She doesn't want to take a break. Jacob's a good guy and he loves her. He really loves her and-

Jacob hugs her, and starts making gentle shushing noises, rubbing her back soothingly.

She feels terrible because she's the one asking for space, and he's comforting her.

(She realizes that it's been weeks since the last time she let him hold her like this)

* * *

 _"i can't hold onto love._  
 _i'm not gentle enough._

 _i always end up_  
 _crushing the thing_  
 _in between my fingertips._ "  
― Ava, You Are Safe Here.

* * *

She goes out to coffee with a guy from work.

She's sitting there drinking her coffee and trying to pretend to be interested in what he's saying when Jacob walks by.

He's on the phone and he's smiling.

She wants to get up and go say Hi.

Instead, she looks away and goes back to drinking her coffee.

Her co-worker asks her if she wants to do it again sometimes.

She says no.

* * *

 _"Hearts may break, and relationships end, but life goes on. You can't stop life's motion; it's either you let life pass you by or you go with it's motion."_  
― Innocent Mwatsikesimbe, Life's Motion

* * *

It's weird to not be dating someone but still continue to live together.

They still eat breakfast together.

Jacob still drives her to work.

They still dinner together and watch tv after dinner on the couch.

But Jacob doesn't touch her anymore, not even the barest brush of their fingers when he passes her the remote.

He doesn't tell her about his day when he comes home from work.

She doesn't sleep beside him anymore and wake up cuddled to his chest.

She wakes up alone and goes to sleep alone.

She doesn't like it.

* * *

 _"He loved her; in some ways he was devoted to her. But he couldn't reach her, and it was the same on her side. It was as if they'd drunk some fatal potion that would keep them forever apart, even though they lived in the same house, ate at the same table, slept in the same bed."_  
― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

* * *

Jake gets sick.

Bella doesn't know what's wrong with him, but he's laying limp on the floor when she comes home.

She calls the vet and they tell her to bring him in.

She rushes him out to her car but it stalls.

Jacob used to do he maintence on her car.

She holds her dog to her chest and cries.

She finally realized what she had been denying since the beginning.

Jacob may have loved her...but he didn't need her to be happy.

She may not have loved Jacob as much as he loved her, but she needed him...she couldn't be happy without him.

Now it was too late.

* * *

 _"One day you're going to remember me and how much i loved you...then you're gonna hate yourself for letting me go"_  
― Drake

* * *

"Well, I'll see you in the morning," Jacob says, once their show went off.

"Wait," Bella says, quickly, reaching out but Jacob moves away.

"What's up?" he asks, casually, and Bella looks down at her hands clenching into fists in her lap.

"Can you...?" Bella trails off.

"Can I...?" Jacob repeats, gesturing for her to continue.

"Can you just hold me?" Bella blurts, and Jacob frowns.

"What?" he questions.

"I feel...I miss you," Bella mumbles, her eyes watering, "Can you please just...?"

Jacob hesitates, taking a step towards her, then he shakes his head.

"No," he says, firmly, his eyes stony.

"Why?" Bella asks, and Jacob takes another step back, widening the distance between them.

"You're just lonely, Bella and I'm familiar," he states, and she shakes her head.

"No, I-"

"You think you want this. Just like you thought you wanted to be with me...But you don't," Jacob runs his fingers through his hair, "And I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me,"

Bella doesn't say anything.

"I think I should move out," he says, after a long moment, all emotions gone from his face..

"This is your apartment," Bella protests, and Jacob shrugs..

"I'm not going to ask you to leave," Jacob says, "I have people I can stay with until I find somewhere else...you don't,"

"I have friends," Bella stands up.

Jacob doesn't say anything, but his silence says it all.

"Jessica, Angela...Mike!" Bella rattles off names, and Jacob turns off the television, heading to his room, "I'm not alone!"

Jacob closes his room door and Bella realizes that maybe she is.

* * *

 _"You can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. It'll just be a constant reminder of what you can't have. It's like putting boiling water in an ice cold glass. It's gonna bust and make a mess."_  
― Jaime Reed, Keep Me In Mind

* * *

In the end, Jacob doesn't come back for her.

He moves on with his life, and though their paths occasionally crossed, he never hesitated to brush past her.

In the end, Bella finally realizes what she had, only when it was too late to get it back.

But you can't spend the rest of your life looking back.

Sometime the only option is to move forward.

Even if it hurts...even if it feels like the world is ending.

You have to get up and keep moving forward.

She learns to take care of herself because she has no one else.

She evolves again and again.

Until one day, when she passes Jacob in the streets, she smiles and doesn't look back.

* * *

 _Cause I can't make you love me if you don't_  
 _You can't make your heart feel something it won't_  
 _Here in the dark, in these final hours_  
 _I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power_  
 _But you won't, no you won't_

 ** _But I'm lonely_**  
 ** _Feeling like I don't even know me, I don't even know me_**  
 ** _(I feel it too)_**  
 ** _Gotta have you gotta see you_**  
 ** _(Yeah the only thing I have to think about_**  
 ** _The only one I that can´t live without)_**  
 ** _I see you_**  
 ** _(I need you to hold me now)_**

 _'Cause I can't make you love me, if you don't_

* * *

 _"When you loved someone and had to let them go, there will always be that small part of yourself that whispers, "What was it that you wanted and why didn't you fight for it?"_  
― Shannon L. Alder

* * *

 **Author's note: I really want a mashup of those two songs but I know it's not going to happen.**

 **Review...or I'll else.**

 ***Scary music plays and lighting flashes***


End file.
